So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
