Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
