i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
