last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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