i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
