I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
