It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
