if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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