if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
