but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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