remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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