The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
