Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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