how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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