I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
