u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
