what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
