At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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