please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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