She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
