heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
