i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
