If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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