Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
