i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Even my vagina gasped.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
as a side note pls kill me
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