remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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