I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and she was petting her beer can
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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