if you like me you must not know who I am
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize