Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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