if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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