you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
