Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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