im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
