your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize