i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
