I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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