Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
