OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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