she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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