and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
