The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
