I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I AM VODKA MAN
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
