youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
