We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
