On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You were trust falling into bushes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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