we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize