Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
