You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
