I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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