he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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