The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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