Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize