Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
