Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
