I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
