Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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