dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
