i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
