I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
