Just fell off a train. Bad.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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