I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
