Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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